Depression. Is. Real.
I want to take some time to be vulnerable with you. To share some things that are personal but I believe to be God-honoring. This is only a part of my story. My purpose and prayer in sharing is three-fold.
Honor God
Encourage those who are currently battling.
Destroy the stigma around depression.
I would ask that you take a moment before reading this post in its entirety and pray these three things with me.
The below is a direct quote from my personal journal from January of 2016.
Several months ago I wrote about the struggles Ashley and I had getting pregnant. I made the statement that it is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through…that has changed. As I sit and write this, I am completely broken. I feel as though every person in the world that cares about me is completely fed up with my brokenness. I feel like the more broken I get the less people care. I long for healing, I long to physically and emotionally feel the hope and wholeness that I mentally know I have in Christ. As I sit here though, emotionally I feel hopeless, I feel broken, I feel lost, I want to quit. I am wearing things I shouldn’t wear, I’m worried about things I shouldn’t be worrying about. It will not stop.
I read those words in 2020 and have the urge to weep. The latter part of 2015 and the early part of 2016 was without a doubt the most difficult time of my life. As you can see, I was hurting. I was struggling. I wanted to quit my job, quit caring, and just give up on life.
A lot has changed since then. I made some major mistakes during that season, I cried during that season, but God was sovereign over that season. I love what C.S. Lewis has to say about our pain.
“We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”
— C.S. Lewis
1. Depression is real.
Since walking through very severe depression some four years ago I have found the following statement to be true: “depression is one of those things you never really understand until you personally experience it.” My wife, who walked closer with me during that season than anyone still does not get it. But she knows it is real.
So many times we simply spiritualize it. We say, “oh that person needs to focus more on his/her spiritual life.” While that is likely true for everyone, not just those walking through depression, there is far more to it than that. Chemical imbalances are real things. Do I understand how all of that works? I have a degree in Biology so while I know a bit more than some, I know less than I could. Do I have first-hand experience with medicines and proper treatment from a professional legitimately fostering an environment for healing…absolutely. I walked through two intensive years of it.
When I read, hear, or see someone who is battling this horrendous disease it absolutely wrecks me. The current suicide rate is alarming. If you are contemplating suicide, first I love you…even if I have never met you. Second, please get help. You can call 1-800-273-8255 24 hours a day and talk to someone who cares about you. As a society, we must erase the stigma that depression is simply a sad person, it’s more than that in many cases, it is a disease just like any other sickness. Foster an environment of care rather than an environment of judgment.
2. Depression is not a battle; it is a war. Get help…now.
I have always had the tendency to overthink things, to struggle with self-worth, to battle anxiety, to overlook hurts, to try to please everyone, and to take things personally. Over the years I simply ignored them. I shoved them down and said, I am fine, they are not really a big deal. I WAS WRONG. It all began to build up inside of me, pressure mounted, and I caved. I lost all emotional capacity to deal with anything. It was at that point I decided to get help. I began seeing a counselor on a regular basis. By the time I took the step to get help, my emotional health was past the point of regular maintenance and in need of total repair. I went multiple times a week to see my counselor, I began seeing a psychiatrist, I took multiple medications, and I had to take a leave of absence from work. It was not only painful for me, but it was painful for those around me. I wanted to leave the ministry, I felt unqualified. Thanks to Mark Marshall for pastoring me well during that season. He did not let me give up on myself because he never gave up on me. I remember him specifically telling me that he believed in me and thinking “bro…I don’t even believe in myself.” I felt like a horrible husband and father. My family was hurt, I was hurt, and those around me were hurt. Today, some four years later I still grieve the hurts that were caused. My poor wife battled with me. She did not know what to do or have a complete understanding of what was going on. But she loved me through it. Now we are quickly approaching our 12-year anniversary! God is good.
Today I am as emotionally healthy as I ever have been. By the grace of God, I am no longer on medication, but the war continues. I still have to battle my tendency to overthink things, to struggle with self-worth, to battle anxiety, to overlook hurts, to try to please everyone, and to take things personally. I still go to see my counselor on a semi-regular basis. The greatest asset I have in the war is the learned skill of identifying the warning signs. The feelings and attitudes that I have learned to be the beginning stages of pain and emotional unrest. When I identify one of those red flags…I process them immediately rather than run from it. The key to winning the war is to process rather than run. To seek help rather than ignore. The earlier you get help the better, trust me.
3. God is sovereign.
As I reflect back on one of the most difficult seasons of my life, I can proclaim before you that God is sovereign. I made journaling and writing a regular practice during that season. Over the last several days I have sifted through those journals. They make me want to weep but I also find joy. You can see clearly in my writings that I was in an extremely dark place and was hurting. But there is joy now as I look at that season of life and see God at work. He used my own depression to make me a better husband, a better father, a better friend, and a better pastor.
Now having walked through depression I am able to empathize in a completely different way. Individuals who have experienced depression have a common bond. Having conversations with people who have first-hand experience with something you have experienced or are currently walking through is so comforting. My own experience has given me so many opportunities to listen, to cry, to love, to care, and to share with people who are hurting. Not because of anything that I have done, but because God had a plan for my depression. There was purpose in the difficulty. God had a plan even on the days I could not see it. He has a plan for you too.
I love you.
There are people reading this who are hurting right now. I love you and I plead for you to get help. (see the list of resources below)
There are people reading this who have lost loved ones to this disease. I love you and would love to personally pray for you. Please let me know how I can pray for you.
There are people reading this who are trying to figure out how to care for a loved one who is battling this disease. I love you. Seek Godly and professional counsel. Lantern Lane Farm in the resource list below would be a great place to start.
Resource List
24 Hour Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255
Lantern Lane Farm - 615-973-5454